A long time ago, I would just pretty much dumb myself down for the world. I did it to assimilate with masses without confusion or contention. There were times where it worked and then there were times that it did everything but work. Eventually as I got older, I became less and less concerned about the feelings of others; especially, when it came to me.
As an adult, I have no real concern at all, except under severe persecution. I am talking about when someone’s only object is to make my life a living hell. I have met my fair share of people that just did not like me. All different sets of circumstances from race to where I am from. They just had a deep seeded dislike for me.
I would try to “better” myself to avoid confrontation because honestly, my temper is so far gone at this age – that might be the safest thing for us both. Sometimes, I was successful and other’s … well.. erra um.
In any event, I believe I have found a balance that allows me to appear and disappear as needed. All while not compromising who I am on the outside and inside. It has taken a lot of training and a lot of letting go. It isn’t as easy as one would assume, but it is easy enough for me to get by day to day.
The unfortunate downside is the disrespect that I have gotten even from some of the closest to me. Some of them I have made mention to it, some it isn’t worth it. Now by disrespect I mean the fact that I think of them before I think of myself sometimes. For them, I am after thought. They can manage to do any and everything for everyone, yet when it comes to me – “She will understand.” Then when I don’t understand I am the unreasonable one. When I forget them ( which by the way has never happened) all hell will break loose. I get tons of reasons, excuses, and apologies. I swear if I had 100 bucks for every apology I have gotten over the years – I’d be the worlds newest billionaire.
I can’t blame them tho, people only do what you allow. If you tolerate the B.S. don’t complain when you have a house full of Sh*t. Therefore, I have started venturing out in just removing my filter with people. Instead of being the considerate Lexi, I let them see what I see everyday. A person who is tired of the drama and baggage that she carries for the world, yet they can’t carry a clutch purse for her. This came with the hardest task. Learning to say “No”. I am pretty much a “No matter what” person. If you need it and I got it, you got it. This has changed over the past few weeks. Once I got a real view of the fact that my efforts to keep everyone else happy, were draining me.
There were times I went to bed worrying about the worlds problems, and mines were staring me in the face. Yeah, a candidate for Saint Hood, but still HOW IS THAT GOING TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS?! It wasn’t until I realized that I am the one that has to take care of my family, and in order for me to do that … I gotta take time out for me. Even if that means looking in the mirror every morning and reminding myself that I have to put myself first.