Often we are forced to be reminded of our history. The good, the bad, the ugly, the WTF, and the DAMN of it all. It can be a emotional road. Often filled with unknown paramores, regrets, questions, assumptions, unrequited love and bricks flying out of no where (both emotionally and physically). By the end of it we are either half crazy or so completely consumed with anger that we have to restart our whole mental state all over again. I mean a complete reboot.
It isn’t because we aren’t capable of letting go, believe it or not. It can actually be that we are just having a hard time processing what has been set before us. Ingesting the reality of it all. Our own reality when living it can seem so clear but once we have passed that stage, phase or craze and we look back it almost seems surreal at how we acted, what happen, who is actually accountable, etc. With this many variables, you are never going to get the exact answer each time you look back. There will always be a new piece remembered, and a new piece forgotten. The story in your head will keep changing. Today your responsible, tomorrow, they are responsible, two weeks from now your both responsible, three weeks from now no one is responsible..
This is why I stopped thinking about my past and letting the reflective references of the romantic kind die. I am a pretty sturdy chick. However, if I actually looked back at most of that stuff.. There would be anger, there would be tears, then there would be screaming, then gun loading, and then the need for bail money and a swat team. I DO NOT NEED THAT! A woman scorned eventually gives up or burns herself out. Where as a woman who is looking more so for redemption than revenge can go on forevvvvvvver.
Now I would never dare call myself an authority on anything, I just lived enough in my 32 years on this planet that have given me some keen insight and examples of how horrible or how wonderful things can become very quickly. How we can force ourselves into our own lane of insanity or emotional shut down. This is why I eventually started becoming as aloof to everything as possible, hell, even to my own feelings. While it isn’t a good practice, it allowed me to function without having a emotional break down at any given moment worrying and wondering where I went wrong. The downside to this is, eventually you wake up. Eventually you look around. Eventually you realize those emotions are going to manifest themselves in the most overly dramatic ( to the rest of the world, but to you justified), tragic, haphazard way imaginable. I mean full scale ugly cry time. You can try to believe you have a handle on it, but odds are you don’t and you won’t. It is just going to come up like pea soup in the exorcist.
EVENTUALLY YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FACE YOURSELF.
That will be the most difficult vision you have to face when it comes back to those Reflective references of romance.. The questions will be the hardest to answer and even harder to ask. No matter how many pieces the reflection is in, they are still a accurate reflection of what happen. You could attempt to try and piece it together, but in reality what is the use? The more you push yourself to pick them up, the more wounds you will inflict upon yourself due to their jagged and sharp edges.
Yet over and over again we do it to ourselves, some more than other’s picking up the pieces.. blood here and there.. pain rising – but because we just have to. We as humans are sadistic and masochistic like that. We take some odd pleasure in it. It is quite frankly, the oddest thing I have ever seen.
During this time, and your hunt for answers to seek out your form of closure. Your final ending to the madness of the past… (Which, By the way, is almost 90% of the time a pandora’s box you do NOT wanna fuck with) you find yourself completely confused and completely regretting even starting the mission to begin with, but your ego will not let you stop.
You want to know the why, the hows, the what ifs, and the why nots. Every single answer that when it was right in front of YOU.. that you ignored it because you didn’t want to face it. Every issue that you glanced over because it was “just not the right time”.
This will lead you back down the road of should’ves, would’ves, could’ves but didn’ts. Take you back to the highlight reels of these relationships. Playbacks complete with soundtracks that will entrap you mentally and emotionally to the point you can damn near hear the music playing. And just think… this is going on totally within you.. you haven’t even spoken to another soul yet. WHAT. THE. F**k.
Now it is said that finding true love can cause this behavior to disappear, dissipate never to be seen again. I call BS! It’s true love that causes these fucking spastic outburst of f*ckery. Those who we don’t love, why in the hell would we think about them again? Like seriously, when is the last time (aside from a awkward run in one day) you thought about someone you didn’t love? I’ll wait..
*looks at the clock*
Exactly. We don’t and we won’t. It is only those select few that have stirred our soul and melted every single circuit of rational thought we have that we ponder over. That we find ourselves up in the middle of the night wondering randomly, “Wonder what they are doing now?” “Wonder how she/he is?” or something else of the kind. Again, you can pursue that walk down that dark tunnel into madness, or simply just start pushing it out the way. It will surface again, oh trust me. But for right now, maybe having a clear head is best.
Sounds simple enough when you put it solely on the brain doesn’t it? But we all know, when the heart is involved, nothing is SIMPLE. Nothing is easy enough to just walk away from or walk toward without some type of hesitation or fear. Now the brain and heart are at war with each other and have no clue why… The heart wants to be free and the brain wants to protect the heart.
And how did this all happen you ask? Cause you started thinking and remembering everything you had suppressed to just “get over it.” Then you went from getting over it, to wanting to know why it happen in the first place.. and now you are here, a few olives short of a martini and out of kleenex.
The truth is, you can’t stop these questions, these emotions, these thoughts from coming, they are going to no matter what you do. However, processing them can be easier if you take them as they come. It is truly best to let them just happen rather than try to avoid them or shove them out the way. A five minute cry is better than completely losing it one day because you haven’t fully processed what happen. Taking it in, processing it one piece at a time is most certainly better than trying to take it all in at once.