I have always been seen as the know-it-all type. The brainy smurf of multiple encounters & the truth is I didn’t care. It wasn’t until about two years ago, that I realized that flexing your intelligence – simply because you can … can create a bunch of hardships and hard feelings that you were never expecting or prepared for.
I know, I know, I didn’t learn from Brainy smurf getting punted out the village every episode. I should’ve , but I got it wrong. As time progressed, I started to grow weary of being punted at a moments notice. I got tired of not being appreciated for the valued information I was giving. It caused me to do something that is hard for me to do. SHUT THE HELL UP!
It was then that I actually got the real lessons, the real meat and potatoes of the human experience. It caused me to change my approach not only at life and the rest of the humans I find myself here with, but also my approach on how I address the rest of my life.
I stopped focusing on 90 degree and 180 degree perspectives and began doing the unthinkable.. I started looking 360. I started following from the beginning to the end; I started asking questions instead of proposing solutions. Let me tell you.. The world becomes a very different animal when you accept everything in view instead of the parts that make up the picture you want.
No longer did I see the flags that I missed previously, no longer did I allow myself to be misled by the very people who swore allegiance and love to me. Their masks had been totally taken off by the wind. I could see them for who they were. Be they enemy, friend, family, collaborator, protagonist, and many other positions that are actually out there in our everyday lives. No longer did I focus on the negative of a situation but the good, the bad, the ugly, the happenstance were accepted.
It allowed me to open up and apologize to those who I sincerely owed and apology to and to let go of those who were not worth my time. I used to say the worst thing you can do for me is walk away from me if I have been good to you. However, I found that was actually the best thing you can do for me. It allowed me to actually see the relationship (friendship or romantic) for what it actually was, instead of over romanticizing it and giving extra credit where it certainly was not due.
Then something amazing happen, the division in the sand was clear. Those who carried drama or bullshit with them are the very ones that exited my life. They no longer were happy with my position in theirs and felt it was time to “let go”. Therefore, instead of trying to fix things, I did the opposite and let them leave. I found I was better for it. No longer did I wake up confused and conflicted. No longer did I have a pile of someone else’s crap weighing me down and tarnishing my spirit. No longer did I feel compelled to make snide comments or seek revenge if possible. I was and am at peace.
I was amazed at the fact that so many I called friend, family, lover, comrade were actually the stopping points of my growth. I was also a little freaked out that a lot of the time my stress (which lead to so much sickness) was actually someone else’s.
I did try to find from my past to apologize to or bury the hatchet so to say, but they wanted no parts of me. They would rather stay away and stay mad. Fine by me. I was by no means offended by their off-putting nature. It just confirmed that maybe I had gotten it wrong again and they were what I saw them as in the beginning when they cut me off, I cut them off, or we mutually cut each other off.
In any event, I will keep striving to be the best version of me that I can be. For my son and for myself and I have accepted some people will not like that. I also accepted that some people can’t handle that and it has nothing to do with me. That is essentially their own folly.
One idiot doesn’t stop the show.